DIY sex therapy: FEMAIL sexpert Tracey Cox’s 11 tips to help you think like a shrink

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DIY sex therapy: FEMAIL sexpert Tracey Cox’s 11 tips to help you think like a shrink

According to experts, it takes an average of seven years for a couple to get help with a relationship problem. It is even longer before couples see a sex therapist.

Why don’t we seek professional help, as we do with other issues in our life?

The main reason given is fear of what might happen.

I’ve compiled a taste of the type of things you might be told if you went to a sex therapist in the hopes that you will see how non-threatening and helpful the process could be.

At the very least, it might help you “think like a shrink” for effective DIY therapy!

Why don’t we seek professional help, as we do with other issues in our life?

How healthy are your intimate relationships in general?

Are you well liked at work? Do you have close friends and get along well with your family? In other words, what relationship do you have with people? It helps to know if your issues are specific to your relationship or something that one or both of you usually struggle with.

Take a good look at your parents

Like it or not, your relationships with others – and especially with your partner – are almost always based on your relationships with your family during your childhood. We tend to take on the role of our childhood when we’re in a romantic relationship – or become one of our parents. Look at each other and gaze at each other for some nifty observations.

Compromise is not always the solution

Sometimes a meeting in the middle leaves everyone unsatisfied. If it’s the way you have sex that’s causing the problems, rather than how often, having sex ‘your way’ once, and ‘hers’ the next can just lead to frustration on both sides. , neither of you taking advantage of the other’s ‘turn’. Compromise is good, but there are other solutions.

It’s what you do sexually that’s important, not what you think

Don’t hang on or beat yourself up about the “bad” thoughts you have or have had. Fleeting thoughts about what it might be like to sleep with your best friend / partner / the dog’s worst enemy mean nothing. We are defined by our sexual behavior and not by our sexual urges.

Discussions have the most impact when you are both in a positive mood and genuinely keen to work things out.

Discussions have the most impact when you are both in a positive mood and genuinely keen to work things out.

Don’t be threatened by your partner, they are the same as you

They may seem more together / more glamorous / sexier / confident than you but we are all the same underneath. We all want to be loved and feel safe and we all want sexual satisfaction no matter what that means to us.

People often act exactly the opposite of what they are feeling

Shy people are often seen as arrogant. A partner who is desperately afraid of losing you is afraid, so they lash out rather than hug you.

Choose your time to speak and use the right language

Discussions have the most impact when both of you are in a positive mood and are genuinely keen to work things out – or you’re at your lowest and you know you’re going to go our separate ways unless you are. do it.

Listening is more important than speaking

talk about how you feel rather than what they make you feel (“I feel upset” rather than “you upset me”), ask what you want most rather than focusing on what you don’t not get and throw compliments whatever you talk about. People like people who make them feel good.

Don't believe couples who tell you sex is overrated: it's underrated, not overrated

Don’t believe couples who tell you sex is overrated: it’s underrated, not overrated

Make your point three times, three ways

This ensures that your partner really gets it. Some people are auditory and like to hear things, others are visual and want to be shown, kinesthetic people are best reached by appealing to their feelings. Use a different language or a different medium (write something, draw a picture, demonstrate) each time you repeat your point and you are more likely to understand.

Be the first to reach out and touch

It doesn’t matter what you do or even if it’s sexual or not, as long as one of you reaches out to break through the drought, you’re about to be ‘fixed’. Increase the amount of physical contact you have and you’ll almost always enjoy it as a couple.

Sex is essential no matter what anyone says

When it’s good, that’s only about a quarter of your enjoyment of the whole relationship. When it’s bad, it can poison the remaining three-quarters. Don’t believe couples who tell you sex is overrated: it’s underrated, not overrated. Sex is one of the greatest pleasures in life and the deepest way to show how much we love someone.

Find a good sex therapist at cosrt.org.uk or connect.org.uk or go to www.traceycox.com/blog/ for general sex advice.

Tracey Cox’s new book Dare: what happens when fantasies come true is published by Hodder and Stoughton (£ 7.99 paperback, £ 4.99 Kindle); his book and the Dare the product range is now available on traceycox.com.


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